There are some points in your life when you realise that you really have become everything you hate. Although in reality you aren’t doing too badly – there are certain thing you have let slip into your life that you always said you wouldn’t let consume you. I always thought that as long as I was nice to everyone – I would always have friends. I always thought that as long as you were fun – you would always be invited to parties. I always thought that it doesn’t matter whether you drink – or do drugs – as long as you don’t do too much – you will continue to live a balanced healthy life! All these things are kind of true – except in the Gay world they are distorted. You can’t be too much fun – or you are deemed and attention seeker. If you aren’t fun enough – you are boring. If you are too shy – you aren’t cool enough. If you are too confident - you are up yourself. If you are too big – you are too fat and have “let yourself go”. If you are too thin – “you must be hitting the pipe”. If you are promiscuous – you are a slut or trash. If you aren’t promiscuous – you are a tease/prude. To maintain the balance and maintain a lifestyle here in Gay Sydney is hard work – and as far as I am concerned… its all a little fucked! Things that we should hold dear – manners, respect and health – have gone out the window – and we are allowing our selves to develop attitudes, egos, and snorting, smoking & injecting things stay awake for days or get the body we crave instantly - and not working for it. Sleep deprivation in some cultures used to be a form of torture - and roid rage is hardly an attractive thing!!! Ultimately... This cant be good for our long term health. So I am making a committment to bring back the basics – and going to make an active effort to change for the better. A friend of mine said – “Just remember who your real friends are – because you haven’t been here long – and don’t have the history a lot of us have” and it really got me thinking. It was a hint that perhaps I was not living in reality – and was being consumed by a scene where I thought everyone was my friend – but in actual fact – they were probably some of my biggest critics! Fortunately – I have lots of good friends in different social circles and don’t have a specific group – as a result I classify them all differently. I have my Close friends – whom I have over for dinner, go shopping with, buy X-mas gifts for etc. Then I have my Disco buddies – people I love to party with – but only spend a little amount of time with outside the next big party. Then I have my acquaintances – people who I love to hang with when I see them – but don’t really make any effort to see and catch them at random coincidental times. I like that I am growing up – I am finally realising what really is important to be a good person, and although I have had fun and learnt a lot over the last 18 months, I am not innocent anymore, not naïve, and I have found my niche in the world. I will be wearing more clothing, taking fewer drugs, going out even less that I have been the last 3 months – and I will be developing my future for myself – and not depend on anyone else to get me there. I have begun to care less and less about rumours, and what people think of me - because if the arent coing to be a constructive, or positive influence - or engage in a two-way friendship - then I dont really need them in my life. My next step is London/Europe – I think I have gone as far as I can in Sydney to help my long term goals for the moment – and need a social change to continue to grow, develop and become more educated so that when the timing is right I can unleash my long term career plans back here in Sydney. There is no turning back now – and I am quietly confident that the next chapter is going to be another exciting read :)

Marriage: blues or bliss? Am I becoming bitter already? Is the fact that I am getting older and still being denied the right making me a cynic of the institution? I am unsure how to feel these days… I never wanted to get married – I thought that was a straight thing to do… and that I could show my love in other ways – and didn’t need big fancy wedding to prove it! However… I was at a wedding over the weekend back in Hobart to see 2 of my best friends whom I have known separately for many years get hitched. It should have been an occasion that had great sentiment to me - as Erin and I worked together for years, and Luke and I played hockey in many state teams/TIS etc together. They met at my 21st Birthday – and since then – they have always blamed me for being responsible for their Love. They even christened their love for each other for the first time in my brothers bed when the rest of my family was out of town! (don’t tell him…) Both fathers even blamed me in their wedding speeches for their meeting! Haha. However – I found the whole ceremony insulting! There was no substance to it. It was so bland, lifeless, and overly traditional. They were married in a garden (even though it was snowing on the mountain behind – but hey that’s Hobart!), so they used a celebrant – who once the initial vows, and ring giving was over pointed out one thing – “This is a legally binding partnership – and only once I have your signatures on this wedding certificate – can I announce you man and wife” so they did the formalities… and she then announced “Mrs Luke and Erin Austin”. Surely at this point I should have felt happiness, joy and excitement for the new journey they would be taking together. But… It was then that I realised how lucky they actually were – legally they are recognised under the law as a married couple – and all their assets, investments, medical, insurance, everything became a joint venture for the two of them. It was in that moment that it really hit home that I am denied that right now here in the country I work hard for to pay my taxes and live in… and instead of the positive reaction I felt resentment, betrayal and envy. Earlier in the year I went to a wedding that changed my life. Two of my lesbian friends Nicole and Georgina got married. They are both British – and they could get married in the British consulate here. That was the official side – they then hosted a ceremony and reception in the Hunter valley a couple of months later. The ceremony was beautiful, sentimental, heartfelt, and to me – represented everything a marriage should be – both birth parents escorted the girls down the aisle, the vows were both unique and the celebrant created the ceremony from scratch based on the concepts that both girls hold dear. But no matter how real their marriage is to them – and in the UK – their marriage is still not recognised here in Australia. As a result, they have to continue to develop their relationship with separate assets, separate insurance, separate medical, and be treated as if their marriage is not a “legally binding” occasion. So is my response to this a bitter thing? I think not… its just a sad state of affairs that I cannot go to a special friends wedding and feel connected to what it stands for anymore, and feel that whole wedding bliss. I hope that I one day can appreciate such a commitment again, but until I am treated as an equal under Australian law – I feel that this will continue to be an ongoing feeling – the wedding blues…. Which really sucks! One day… this will all change… I hope!

Why is it that whenever you are totally unprepared, and not looking for love, it just seems to find you! I spent 18 months looking in all the wrong places... and decided it was time to just give up. Since my ex and I broke up 18 months ago - I have been craving that loving feeling. It is something that can really make or break you, and for someone who has as much love to give as I do – it definitely makes me. After a falling out with my family at the same time (all repaired now!), and a move to a city where I knew nobody, I felt very alone in the world and felt incomplete without knowing for sure that someone really truly loved me. It wasn’t that no-one loved me - but I just wasn’t feeling that validation - and it was something I felt I needed. Then about a month ago when my parents were in town- I had an epiphany - My father sparked the sudden realisation with a comment that I will never forget. "Brodie, we have been through so much the last few years, and your mother and I cannot begin to try and understand how hard it has been for you. But look at what you have achieved - you are living the life that you always deserved, surrounded by friend who adore you, you have a wonderful home – in an amazing city, and you still have the same values at heart - you should be bloody proud of yourself. I know we are" He was totally right - I had grown up, achieved so much and conquered a lot of personal demons on my own. I was rich with LOVE from my friends, and I have really settled in and developed a life for myself here in Sydney. Although I still didn’t feel complete - this really got me looking at everything from a totally different perspective! I was looking for someone to complete me... when really - It was obvious that I completed others - and had the ability to truly complete myself! So I started doing more with my friends, and also taking a lot of time out for myself. I started training harder, eating healthier, drinking less and taking fewer drugs. I realised that I don’t need them to have fun! and I didn’t need to escape the reality that was my world. For those of you that know me, I kind of have a chip on my shoulder – but it is something I have worked on – and am now a lot more confident in myself, and what I have to offer the world. That being said – I am very modest – and find comfort in knowing these things for myself – rather than telling everyone how good I am… So it was a Friday night – and I really couldn’t be bothered doing anything! But… being the fierce friend that I am – I decided I would go and support my friend Shane and head on down to the midnight shift and cheer the guys along in their new show “FAKE” (I had been the week before – but had one bump too many – and didn’t really remember much about the show!) so I thought it best to go along and actually try to watch and remember the show. As soon as I walked in to the upstairs bar… BAM! The most stunning boy and I had spotted each other – and our eyes connected. With the thoughts in my head “FUCK he is gorgeous!” and “No Brodie, you don’t need any boy’s atm…” I had very mixed emotions. So I looked away – and kept on walking with my friends to the bar. We crossed paths and said hello to each other about 3 times en route to the toilet, to get another drink, or just randomly on the dance floor… but our attraction to each other was undeniable, and in the end we gave in and decided we should have a chat, a drink, a cuddle, and a sneaky kiss  Everyone was curious, envious, and excited to see me actually look settled and happy with a boy for a change. I myself was shocked, but excited, nervous, and surprisingly confident that perhaps there was “something” there. And there was… after a night of passionate sex… he had to head to Newcastle – as he was here on a family trip with his dad (who just got over cancer… awwww!) and they were going to visit some uncles and aunts for the next 5 days… However, after being away for 2 days he called to say he had to see me again – and wondered if he caught the train back to Sydney could he stay with me. I had mixed feelings – as I didn’t want to cause a family argument, I didn’t know exactly how I felt, and he was only going to be here for a short time – so was there any point investing anything? And was there really something there that was so special that I should open up my home to him? Being the hopeless romantic that I am – I simply said – “sure, that would be great! Let me know what time you get in and I will pick you up.” The next week was very special, he cancelled pretty much anything and everything that he could to spend more and more time with me, and before I knew it – he had gone to one more family dinner – and then come back to my place again for another night. The sex was so passionate, we were both honest about what could happen, what should happen, what we wanted to have happen… and all this talk made us very close – and helped me realise that the emotions I was feeling at the time – really were real! – we are both to this day still smitten… On the Saturday afternoon he left for Canberra, then Melbourne and last night he left the country – Hong Kong bound. After many phone calls, texts and e-mails – we got to a point where he said… “Brodie – I cant say the L word yet – but I can see myself saying it to you one day”. This really got to me. I felt exactly the same – I can normally tell within the first 5 mins whether I will waste my time with someone or not – but this time it felt a lot more intense. It was that validation that I was searching for before – but I didn’t need it or crave it like I used to. It felt so much more amazing because I wasn’t looking for it – it found me. I am a true believer that the universe knows when you are ready for love, or to love again – and it throws all sorts of things in there to test you whether you are ready again. I had been through my fair share of duds (the longest I had spent with anyone lasted a whole 48 hours… and that was just because he would fucking leave!) and it seemed fitting that I was perhaps ready to finally love again. Who knows what the future will hold for “us” whether we stay a summer romance, or whether we blossom into something more… only time will tell. All I know is that my heart hasn’t felt so alive in years – and the feelings that I have for him are very real. I know he will be back in January to see me for 4 weeks, and I am going to the UK for at least 6 months on a trip that I won from March – Sept (and perhaps longer if I love it!) Whether it becomes something of a fairy tale – I cant say yet. But what I do know – is that I am ready to LOVE again – because I love myself again for the right reasons…. And that in itself is enough for me at this stage.

It was over the long weekend that I made a sudden realisation. I am totally envious of my straight male friends. They are so comfortable in their sexuality, and are happy to have a dirty dance with me and pick me up and throw me about, we hug, we kiss on the cheek, we share beauty tips and gym programs, they come and party with me in gay clubs, have sex with all my beautiful girlfriends, They LOVE the day scene and seem so much happier being invested in it that I do…. It just got to me… and I said out loud - What The Fuck Man! This is just the weirdest thing to me! It is making me so envious that now whenever I walk down the street and see one of them with their sexy gf - I nearly tear up! Why couldn’t I just do that? Be straight and do all the fun Gay things? I rarely have any sex with a guy, and of late I have only topped (so I might as well just shag a girl right?) These boys make me doubt myself, and as much as I love them – I really am frustrated that they feel more of the love than I do…. God damn these straight boys that always have a GAY OLD TIME! Sigh… Envy really is a bitch.

Well, the first year is over... What do I do next? do I focus on Love? Career? Travel? Since the June long weekend, I have had some serious reflective time about what I want to achieve in the next year in sydney. The first year of coming into the very different world of Sydney was definitely an amazing ride... and I am convinced the universe really wanted to challenge me! There were times when I seriously thought about giving up and just moving back to sunny Hobart... But every time I felt like chucking in the towel, one of my friends did something special for me, and gave me the courage to just keep in going. After Mardi Gras, I knew that going home was no longer an option. I would be too lonely! My friends in sydney are now my family, and I have people looking out for me on every turn! I am very lucky to have found the friends I have, and in some cases, I think they are happy they found me too! One of the most compelling moments in the last year were the comments from my peers after we all went to see "strangers in between" a play about a young boy who left home and moved into the big city of sydney. Throughout the play - which starred one of our good friends Sam Dunn - I felt totally absorbed in its content and themes. I could relate to all the mixed emotions, feelings and events from the past! (minus the creepy old man, brother bashing/abuse and the skanky apartment!!) At the conclusion of the play I felt a bit of empathy (because I had been there in a round about way - not directly), because I know there are people like that out there! However, I was also very proud. I had succeeded by jumping into this big bad world of sydney, and a year on I am still level headed, had no STD's (after a few tests), and I handle my own against any conflict/competition. I had chosen to make the right lifestyle choices and not get sucked into scenes that would be detrimental to my future & health! I am also learning very quickly that my mindset, morals, values and general levels of respect towards others are slightly warped compared to the "locals" but I think this is purely because my mind is so reflective that I don't like to make the same mistake twice! I want my friends to know that they can always rely on me in the future for help - especially if I have been there... done that! I want people I care about to learn from my own mistakes, and take note of my advice so they don't have to feel some of the inner anguish I had experienced over certain times. There have been moments when I thought... "What the fuck am I doing?" but I finally have found some closure on most of my personal demons... and I now understand where I'm at. My resolution is that I am going to keep on having fun! and I am not going to feel guilty about it! That being said... I am going to be more responsible, and I am going to make sure I stay in control! No more lethal mixes & no more bad combinations... I have too many other things I want to achieve now to jeopardise that! I don't regret one thing that I have done in the last year though, every incident, achievement and party has taught me something, and I am continuing to climb the ladder of knowing exactly where I am at in the world! Now, for year two... what does happen next? what steps do I take? am I rushing and trying to grow up too fast? Well... here is how I intend to start. I want to be more influential in a positive way! I want people to get to know the brain behind Brodie - and not just the brawn/body! I want to get behind the bars and revive what is left of the gay scene. I want to Turn it all around! Bring back the golden years! I don't want to be stuck in the generation that just gave up, and then see the scene that the generation before us worked so hard to achieve turn to rubbish! I am not certain how I am going to do this... But I do believe I can make a difference :) so watch this space... its a work in progress. I do want to keep on looking for love - as corny as it sounds - I do believe that someone out there can love me more than they love themselves. I have had a few crushes in recent months, but what has made me grow is how resilient I am now to rejection. Since my ex and I broke up 15 months ago (we dated for a year and a half), I have always thought that I was the one with the issues, the problems, and generally wasn't good enough for anyone etc... But I realised at this years Mardi Gras surrounded by all my sydney family, that I am not the one with the problem. I do have a lot to offer someone, and the reason the universe keeps stuffing the relationships I tend to pursue up is because I am not meant to be with another dud... its the worlds way of warning me. I do still feel lonely sometimes, and as much as my friends show their love in various ways - there is still a void that needs to be filled (well... I suppose that is literal, as well as figurative...) but I think that void can be filled by purely enjoying my youth, and not putting too much pressure on it... not rushing into anything is so important now more than ever. I know how my ideal man would handle the situation... so I am happy to wait till one has the balls to do it! Another important thing for me is that I want to travel more, and bring back some ideas from overseas and launch it in Australia! There is so much potential here for growth and development of the social scene... and fortunately the gay scene is very experimental, and kind of sets the bench mark for what is cool, and what isn't! It is the perfect market to experiment new ideas and concepts on! I also admit that I am my own worst enemy! No one judges me harder than myself. It is one thing that I also intend to change over the next year. I still want to push myself and have lots of success! But... I also need to make sure I don't dwell on anything that I might be slightly embarrassed by and just move on. I must ensure that I don't grow up too fast. It will only cause me frustration. There will be plenty of time when I'm 40 and 50 to reflect on my youth, and its is imperative that I make the most of it while I can! A lot of people really don't see me as being your average 22 year old, and I share their beliefv - I know I'm not average. The mature outlook I possess has served me well so far, but I do need to let loose every now and then :) and I think when Brodie has his party pants on... you are guaranteed for a weekend of fun! :) So the next step for me - in a nutshell - is to simply make the most of every situation, keep taking baby steps, and keep utilizing the assets that I have been blessed with! I must also make sure I always make time for my friends, and enjoy today! The secret I think is to make sure I leave enough energy to ensure that I can have just as much fun tomorrow... so that no day is wasted! :) I don't know what lies ahead... but I think as long as I am receptive to new people, new things, and resilient to failure/rejection, then the ambitious Brodie will continue to move forward. I think the best times in my life are yet to come - and I look forward to sharing those times - (the good and the bad) - with the people that matter to me the most - My Sydney Family!

I will be the first to admit that I dont know what I want! That being said, I know that I'm not the only one... I am never really sure if I'm actually satisfied because I'm always striving for more... Does that make me not ready to date? Or am I ready to actually give someone a chance? When I came out, I came out with a boyfriend who I had been seeing for over 3 months, not long after that we moved to Qld together! He was my first male sexual partner. I hadnt tried the hook up thing, and after the comfort and security of a relationship, I wasnt sure that I wanted to! After growing up in hobart, and having parents that had been together forever, the idea of being with anyone else just didnt feel right... Then one day it all just ended.... and I became single. I didnt really know what to do! so I just moved home with my family. It took me a while to get over it... but then, one day, I just decided I needed to move to sydney! Since the move, I have spent the last 8 months sussing people out, trying to build some solid relationships... More specifically I've been trying to understand the motivation behind a one night stand, comprehend the idea of an open relationship and how that can be justified, and how people can differentiate sex, from love, from friendship. I realised recently that there are 2 states of mind among the different species of the single gay man... Husband shoppers, and Boy hunters. A husband shopper is someone who doesnt hit the scene that often, they also expect a lot more out of people, and set up their lives with room for someone to just jump in and make it complete. If they do hook up with a person, it is with the intention of something more developing... A Boy hunter is someone who hits the scene or personals website regularly, with the intent of taking someone home (hooking up), and not expecting breakfast in the morning! For me, I always thought that a relationship was an exclusive environment... I also think that my lack of sex post break up did help me get over it easier. However, since making lots of friends, and after many heartfelt conversations, I can understand the logic and justification of how; anything CAN go, there are NO rules in relationships, and we never OWN anyone but ourselves. No one has the right to judge, because everyone has different values, wants, needs and desires! A friends once explained to me that their relationship was open, and how it worked for them. They Love each other, but they dont have control over each others attractions. They are more comfortable with the fact that sex is just sex, its a temporary thing, and ultimately finishes at some point. Their emotional connection will be ongoing, because they have so much respect for each other, and they function better together, than apart. They would prefer to be honest about everything (rather than cheat behind the partners back - which goes on all the time!), and get the impulse of the attraction over and done with than to let the sexual tension extend over a period of time (the attraction or want is what can cause the doubts/complications if allowed to develop over time!) I think I go through phases from being a Boy hunter to a Husband shopper depending on the company, the place and the general situation. When I go out, I go to have fun! I dont consider it a place to shop for a husband. My general party state, and my company does not reflect what I want long term. So the period between 10pm till whenever I crawl into bed, is potential Boy hunting mode... It isnt common for me to do the hook up thing... but in the euphoria of the environment I find myself in... a party pash is always a bit of fun :) Boy hunting fills the void when your mind is not ready to complicate anything, or in the right place to start the general getting to know you phase... But a necessary part of making the most of the situation at hand! I would consider myself more inclined to lean on the side of being a husband shopper, because ultimately, I get greater satisfaction from the affection, the banter and the playing about post sex, than I do during (however...there have been exceptions!) . I am not an active searcher anymore... purely because I have had too many disappointments, and I now believe that like they say, when it happens, it happens. I think the answer to my question of whether I am ready to date or not is quite simple. I just havent found the right one yet... and I'd much rather have fun in the meantime (and keep learning from my friends with more life experience) than sit there waiting for the perfect man (who may never come!?) or waste my time with a jerk... Brodie - Husband shopper by day.... Boy hunter (some) nights!

well... I suppose the first thing is to admit to myself that I have a problem. I like to be wearing as little as possible at every chance I get. I am addicted to wearing my speedo's in public. Hello, my name is brodie, and I have a speedo wearing problem. So now that I have taken my first step to recovery, I can now begin to condition myself to... dare i say it... Actually wear clothes? Some may think its purely an "ego" thing, or that I do it because I crave attention... However my condition has a very interesting origin, and I am willing to let you all in on my little speedo secret. Back in the day, believe it or not, this little boy grew up in the land of cold sun... better known to the rest of the world as Hobart, Tasmania. The smallest capital city in the world. It is a place where it was illegal to be gay while I was growing up. Although the state has made significant advances with reference to its equality laws, and is a leading example for all the Australian states... it still has the narrow minded attitude that it is wrong to be different, wrong to draw attention to ones self, and it is especially frowned upon to be gay. So, as the old story goes... I was closeted for quite some time. One of my favourite passtimes during this period was sport! I excelled at it... it was the one place where nobody could deny me respect! I was a fierce competitor, and always wanted to win... and 9 times out of 10, I did! This success was bitter sweet, well respected was my ability, however the snide comments from people whom were jealous, (who were supposed to be my peers) still cut deep. It wasnt until one day that I met the most amazing guy on the planet (my ex) that I finally accepted the fact that I was gay, it was my business, and I should be able to attract as much attention as I wanted! Not to tone myself down, act all humble and lifeless, and just be content with existence. After a couple of months I became bitter, snappy and plain bitchy. I was over my lifesyle, over my non-existent social life and sick of the same job I had had for the last 5 years working on boats. I craved more freedom, freedom to be what I wanted to be, freedom to have fun ALL the time, freedom to be able to choose who I want to hang out with, and not be forced to hang out with people just because they were the only ones around, but most of all... I was over being rugged up all the time time without the chance to enjoy the sun and beach! I used to surf on the east coast at my shack... but needed a 4/3 full length wetsuit! After all my sport/gym I never got the chance to actually show off my body ever! Plus... to keep the peace with my brother, if by the odd chance the sun came out and it was time for a bake... I had to wear big baggy board shorts... not a good way to get an even tan! So I moved to Queensland... the sunshine coast! what a mistake! yes the weather was great, yes i was living with the love of my life, whom to me had been a great example of how I could be happy and gay!... but the local attitude was just as narrow minded as hobart... and it changed my ex's attitude towards me... So I was still going to the beach in my boardies, still walking down the street avoiding eye contact with anyone that stared... and went back into my closet. After a while the relationship was over... I went back to my family in hobart... At least there I could re group and re plan what I wanted and then make my next move. I decided sydney was the obvious choice, I had visited it before and loved how tolerant the community was! Anything goes here! I realised very quickly that it would be the best thing I had ever done! It wasnt long before it was suggested (after a few weekends at the beach and a few nights out dancing into oblivion with my top off!) that I enter the stonewall underwear competition! To my surprise... I won!!! After that, I was asked to do various promo jobs wearing speedos... and I was actually surprisingly comfortable about it! It was so nice to actually feel the warm stares of apreciation, admiration, and people laughing as they can see the novelty in it! It makes me feel great to see people smile at me, as opposed to the disapproving looks I would get just for wearing some narrow fitted jeans in hobart! So its not a fetish, not attention seeking... I'm just making up for lost time! I will be toning it down over the next few months... time to put the speedos away and keep the top on sometimes. Its been asked many times by people if I ever keep my clothes on (because there is more skin on my facbook than clothing)... and to date I can really say that I do keep it on for long... However, its been the most amazing ride since I moved to Sydney in june 07, and I want to thank everyone for letting me into their lives, asking me to do promo jobs, and putting me in their advertising material. I wanted to build a profile that I could grow from, and I think I've done just that! But too much of a good thing can get boring... And I dont want to over expose myself (like there is much else to see!) I've made the best friends I've ever had here in sydney, and I look forward to continuing to grow and develop my life here! Brodie - the speedo-holic.

Welcome to your brand new blog. This is the first entry into your personal blog on Same Same and it will now be displayed for all to see. Go ahead and get creative and replace this post with whatever insights you'd like to give people inside your head. To edit your first post, click below. To add your second post, click 'Add Post' on the right.